First, B is on full quarantine for the duration of flu season. No public places, no crowds, no guests of questionable health. Second, A has been prepping for and (right this moment) finishing his PhD qualifying exam. His program is unusually harsh - only 2/9 test takers pass each year. The others are handed a Masters and booted from the program. So either he will be spending the next four years getting his PhD or he will have 3 months to find a job that pays the bills and hopefully challenges him.
The combination of these two - B unable to leave the house and A spending the vast majority of the day studying - means that I have been tied to the house and isolated for about a month. For a while I would get out at least an hour a day, at first early in the morning to go to the gym but as A's test approached I could only get out after I'd put B down for the night. Then there would be long spells when I couldn't get out at all. Sometimes one of my friends would stop by, but law students are not known for their attention to others. So I've been on my own for a long while. It's a bad sign when my "break" for the day is getting out to see my trauma counselor for an hour.
Then one week ago we got word that A's grandfather probably didn't have much time left. I spent Thursday arranging for flights for A and his family to get down there ASAP, and when A got home at 8 pm I ran out for groceries and supplies. A took his written exam last Saturday, I picked him up straight from school and drove him to the airport. I then had 5 days straight of being housebound with a teething, hyper baby who still needs to eat every 2 to 3 hours day and night.
A is taking the oral exam now, and hopefully we'll soon return to a more balanced lifestyle. I need exercise, I need company, I need a freaking break. I'll be damned if I'm going to feel grateful for one hour to myself a day - it's time we (A) started putting real effort into getting B to eat something, anything, when I'm not around.
I'm at the point where I long to just be alone. I don't want to chat or cuddle when A gets home, I want to read a book and just be a person. Sometimes I daydream about just having my own room apart from either A or B, where it would just be peaceful and quiet and no one would hassle me. He does take B for an hour or two in the mornings most days - but that's in between feedings. I'm awake at 12, 3, 5, and 7 to feed the baby. And if A doesn't know why the baby is fussing while I'm trying to sleep at 8, he comes and stands next to the bed until B's fussing wakes me up.
Last night I said something about how my body was falling apart - painful dry skin and I just generally feel gross. My naturally lean and muscular husband said, kind of smugly, "I have a theory about why that is. I think your body wants more exercise." I believe my response was something along the lines of, "OH REALLY, HOW DO YOU FREAKING SUGGEST I DO THAT??" He didn't have a good response.
I frequently wonder if one can be taught to get a clue or if it's something you have to be born with. Unbelievable.
I long for my own room - it was the only way I would be OK with the move to MD. (And it was the thing I was the sorriest about when that went off again.)
ReplyDeleteI think A will have his comeuppance when he is a couple of years older and his metabolism slows down. I do not know how you didn't hit him, though. Seriously!
I hope things get better after the oral exam. Can you ask any of your law school friends to hang out with the baby for a little while so you can get out for a walk or take a shower or something, or is that not an option?
ReplyDeleteBeing stuck in the house is the worst, man. And I think the only way to get the little monkey to eat from a bottle is for you to leave for an extended time, so he can't smell that you're in the house, and then eventually he'll get so hungry he'll just have to suck it up. But how are you going to do that?? I wish some friends would come and relieve you!
ReplyDeleteAs a fellow wife-of-PhD candidate, I also feel you on how annoying it can be to be the support system for someone involved in such an exhausting and extended endeavor as a PhD. Especially when you have your own exhaustion-causing stuff going on.
I hope you find a way to get a break soon. What about a postpartum day-rate doula? Or a nanny for a day? Worth the investment, I'd say, if you can swing the bucks, and if you can't get any unpaid volunteers.
By the way: Twitter helps. I was never into Twitter until I was home with P, and I probably never would be into it otherwise. However, it is kind of like conversation with grownups. Kind of. I'm @attyatlarge if you try it.
ReplyDeleteWhile I was beating him to death, I would have replied, "This appears to be good exercise, doesn't it?!?!"
ReplyDeleteHope things get better when exams are done!