A and I are starting to think seriously about adoption. Not about whether adoption is right for us, we're already sure about that, but about the nuts and bolts. We're in our homework phase, trying to learn about the issues (and damn, there are some crazy issues around ethics and adoption reform) and agencies and timing.. oomph. Since we know that we're open to adopting any race or gender, that's an additional area to educate ourselves on.
Read anything on adoption, especially transracial adoption, and one big issue are the questions parents get from strangers. It can be a very sensitive subject, depending on how the stranger approaches it. So it's helpful, in a way, that my little family already has such ample experience with questions on the playground. Today, even.
B and I hit the playground during eye patch time. As always the patch, the taped-on mittens that prevent him from de-patching, and his fierce pint-sized self mean we stand out. I probably answered questions about the patch for five or six kids, one dad, and three moms. The moms are usually the ones who ask more in-depth (some might say personal) questions. Patch leads to prematurity which leads to NICU which leads to what happened with his birth and my pregnancy. I'm getting more accustomed to this course of conversation. It doesn't bother me as much as it did, even if I haven't found a way to answer the questions without turning the whole conversation into something Way Too Heavy.
I'm even getting to the point where I would rather have people ask than pretend not to stare or dance around their curiosity. The kids are pretty cute, they are invariably impressed with B's awesome collection of brightly-colored patches (the red and gold Chinese dragons are my favorite). We're all curious about each other, especially those of us without other young families amongst our friends, it's just a matter of being friendly and respectful with our curiosity. A note for the curious, though - it helps when you mix regular conversation in with the battery of questions.
So it's kind of funny that today the most personal and in-depth series of questions about B came from a transracial adoptive mom. I actually really enjoyed the conversation as a whole, I learned a lot about her experience with the adoption process. But in the grand scheme of things it is funny that we only got around to talking about adoption after a solid 20 minutes of B's medical history. We really are all curious about each other, you know.
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Adoption seems like such a daunting process, whether domestic or international. You don't have to answer this if it's too personal, but are you planning ahead or hoping to have another baby in the (relatively) near future?
ReplyDeleteWe're thinking that we'll start the process next year, probably doing all the paperwork and starting the home study in late summer or fall. We'd like B and his sibling to be somewhat close in age, I'm hoping that by starting a year from now we'll have more money in the bank, B up on his feet and getting socialized in daycare, and me more settled in my job.
ReplyDeleteThe assumption is that it could take a year or more before a baby comes home, though obviously you have to be prepared to go from the moment your name hits the waitlist. So.... start the process in 2012, maybe have a baby sometime in 2013?
We've have seriously looked at domestic fictive kin adoption and it made my head spin, though it involves a different set of factors than a 'regular' adoption. In our case the child is 13, so for now we just have to be supportive on the sidelines because she is so close to being able to be emancipated (if she chooses.) I'm really rooting for you guys! You have an awesome little family!
ReplyDeleteQuestions about Sammie B are becoming harder and harder to answer . . . because she's getting older, and I know, more cognitively aware of what my explanations might mean. So, her leg braces draw questions, and I try to just say "they help make her legs stronger." but then, there's always the nosier ones who keep digging, asking if she's walking, asking if she has a diagnosis, etc. It's enough to make a mama WANT to stay away from the park, but I know that's not fair to Sammie B.
ReplyDeleteI'm excited to follow your journey to adoption. It's something that we are keeping on the table for no. 3 as well . . . I just don't know that I can do *this* again.
@AA - One of my younger cousins wound up at loose ends (his mom was all sorts of out there). We all knew that he was living with other family members, but I only learned as an adult how many conversations were going on behind the scenes about who would keep him. Turns out there were a lot of volunteers - I wonder if he knows?
ReplyDelete@Momttorney - I find it most interesting when some moms shush their kids' sweetly curious questions. It can say so much more about the mom's thoughts and assumptions than it does about the kids.
I wonder if Sammie B will be able to handle it in her own way soon. Maybe talking about what she likes on the playground or teaching a friend a sign? It is such a hard conversation to redirect with the moms, though, for sure. I'm thinking of just changing the subject with a regular series of questions about their kid, local day cares, fun day trips, etc.